Why Can't Women Take a Compliment?
Ok let me clear this up a little bit. By saying compliment, Im not referring to gross perverted comments. I mean like a true heartfelt compliment. For example, when I saw the thread on the most beautiful woman I thought long and hard as to who I think is the most beautiful woman. As I came up with Catherine Zeta Jones, I thought to myself shouldn't I think the girl I love is the most beautiful woman in the world. So while looking at a picture of CZJ, I noticed there are ALOT of similarities between her and my gf.
Now here's where my question comes in. Later that night my gf and I were talking (by the way, everyone has that one celeb they'd.... well you know, and she knows that CZJ is mine) and that thread came up. I explained to her what I just explained here and when I told her that when I sat back and compared pics of her to CZJ and saw a lot of similarities, she laughed and said yeah ok. I said no and explained what I saw and still no. So I told her baby you are so very beautiful and you know that. She said na im ok. What?! I thought things like that were what women loved hearing and thats why they hated men so much. That men were not capable of such nice comments. I told her again, "are you kidding me, you are so far from just ok. You are absolutely gorgeous." She gave this little smirky smile and said again, Im ok.
Thus my question being, why can't women take a compliment?
SeeintheReality Probably just a matter of humility. I would suspect she was secretly thrilled that you think she looks like CZJ!!!
LVMomOfBoys Dude - the problem is, is that in her mind you place CZJ on a higher pedestal than her. It's not that she can't take a compliment, it's just the timing of the compliment (in her mind) appears as if you're trying to redeem yourself from suggesting that CZJ is 'the girl', on a public forum nonetheless. I think you should actually count your blessings that she's not this crazy, raving jealous lunatic that threw all your crap out cause you admitted that CZJ was hot, LOL. Not that she would be right doing that. I don't think you're at fault either.
Let this pass, say 2 weeks, and compliment her during a time that you two aren't in an argument/fight/debate (whatever you want to call it) and she'll take that compliment to heart much better. The lesson I've learned .... ? It's all about timing.
ComputerSharp Oh no C# it's not just this time. It's all the time I tell her how beautiful she is. This was just one example that hit close to the forum. She knows I only have eyes for her and that there is no other girl in the world thats got anything on my girl. And it's not only her. A very good friend of mine was having a conversation with me about how her man never compliments her on how she looks. I told her that not all guys can voice that kind of opinion and that what they are thinking is in the stare they give you. And when I told her she is very pretty, she too just replied na im ok.
I mean some guys are the same way too. When my gf tells me how hot she thinks I am I sometimes smile and say thank you cause it feels good to hear. And sometimes I shrug my shoulders and say eh, im ok. LOL But more often than not I accept it.
And yeah my gf is very chill like that. She as well tells me when she thinks a celeb is hot, and im just like yeah he's a good lookin dude or whatever. Im not as worried about her throwing something at me as I am with her kicking me, as she was a hockey player in school. LOL (o;
The correct answer to Na, I'm just alright is: "Yeah, I guess you're right. Wishful thinking". Post back with response please. Giving relationship advice is fun!
Bruin I also don't know how to verbally except a compliment but when our men say nice things we do take it to heart!
JustMe See In the Reality. That was just your girlfriends way of saying..Thank you for the compliment in her own way...she knew it was true too only did not want you to think she had a "big head" If she is even half as beautiful as Catherine Zeta Jones (who I said also was the most beautiful in the other post) then she has to know it already. You lucky guy, you!!!!
joyful I suspect your girlfriend was taught, like I was, that it is not okay to appear vain or full of herself. Maybe for her to even say "thank you" feels like acknowledging she's good-looking and we're just not supposed to do that.
You may have also noticed that women are sort of bombarded on a daily basis with all the reasons why we are not beautiful, and all the things we need to do/buy/be to become beautiful. So it might also be that while you see all the positive ways she resembles CZJ, she sees only the gaps. It is in the best interest of the beauty industry marketing machine to keep us all feeling imperfect and it's hard to avoid the messages, even when you are aware of them.
I have been working on accepting compliments for what they are. Just saying thank you, and not arguing, but it's hard. It feels funny.
Aquarius What are women supposed to say when you tell us we're beautiful or whatever? Are we expected to say "Yeah, I know thanks." Usually when my DH or my kids or anyone for that matter compliment me I say something along the lines of "thanks that's sweet" with a smile. A lot of times we know when you are compimenting us just to make us feel better. We're having a bad day or aren't feeling well so you say something nice and it just doesn't seem genuine. I used to do the whole "no I'm not or that's not true" thing when I got complimented too because I got picked on a lot in school because of the way I looked and it takes alot to get over the negativity of our youth. Remember, it is easier to believe the negatives than the positives. Plus I think alot of it has to with modesty and kind of being put on the spot.
jrsemom Bruin, being as I love her very much and don't want her to beat me up, im not sure if that would be ok. LOL
omg okay. Say it once. When she says no I'm okay, say it again, kiss her. Let it go. Talk about something else. Never again tell her she looks like czj. Just tell her she looks beautiful, kiss her, end of conversation.
If she can't say thank you, you're beautiful too, that's just the way she is. It is sweet of you to tell her! It's just a women are from Venus thing.
maja yeah i think its a vanity vs humble thing but next time, take away the comparison and just leave the i think YOURE beautiful part :)
icicle 
Another JoeOh yeah I get that. Like I said that was just a one time thing because of the conversation we were having about the thread. I tell her probably at least once a day how beautiful she is. At all different times. Like make-up on, off, partial. When she just wakes up, or when I see for the first time after work. It all depends on how she looks at me and it just pops into my head, like wow, look how gorgeous she is. Im a lucky guy, now tell her. LOL
It's not really a big deal. Just something i was wondering about. I know she likes to hear it. As do most women.
Oh it wasn't really a comparison as much as it was just something I realized while looking at pictures.
I had many compliments bestowed upon me this evening....while on a "first" date. It made me uncomfortable after awhile. I would rather hear that I am a great Mom or a wonderful dog owner. Honestly it would mean as much to me. I think it's more important to the man that the woman be beautiful...Still it is nice to hear but don't over do it or I will know you are just saying it for the sake of it.
Firefly Looks at what FireFly wrote and it was good
When we tell you your beautiful we could be takeing in the whole you but we should point to what it is were talking about . like saying your a good mother because i see it in your children how they react to the world a round them .
Tell a women you know at least onec a day that she has worth and respect her for all the good she indevers to do but dont go over board cause it gets old and they feel it has less meaning .
at least thats how i see things
and FireFly you are very nice
Caged Animal There is not a woman alive that does not love to have her man tell her she is pretty or beautiful. It is when you "overdo it" as Firefly said that you know they are really not being sincere. I kinow it is hard for men especially but so very important to remember to tell their wives or significant others "I love you" each and every day.
Most women have self image issues - we all have something about us that we don't like. I will even bet that CZJ has some feature that she does not feel good about. Think of it this way, for those few women in the public eye that have the air about them that they are so beautiful... do you really see them as that beautiful? In most cases, no.
Sometimes the negative thoughts in our heads overcome the positive ones. Keep showing her how much you love and respect her and all is good.
Coralie Hmmmm, later that night, you leaned over and whispered softly, "oh dear, I think you are as beautimous as CZJnes, you are the most gorgeous giril in the whole darned world, I mean dear, as I spent hours and hours in the bathroom staring at my photoscrap book of CZJ, suddenly it arised to me that you, yes you were so very similar to CZJ. I had a few beers and you became even more like CZJnes....... What, what, why are you upset dear...."
Women, go figure. Just can't take a compliment. Now, where are those photos...... Let's go watch Zoro....
mistergoogle HAHA!
I know it doesn't bother her to hear it, I know she doesn't get tired of hearing it. Basically my question was more about whether she believes she is as well.
Thanks caged! I love what you wrote and it is so true. When you are born "you get what you get". It's who we are that we can control..
Back to the OP (seein this is a great thought provoking questions BTW) Make it sincere....don't make her ask "how do I look" and keep telling her all the reasons who love her.
I feel like there are a few reasons that a woman would respond to a compliment in this way. I am in no way suggesting that these are the reasons for your girlfriend or anyone on the forum, by the way.
-Self-confidence issues: women who don't feel secure in their own beauty will have trouble accepting compliments because they don't believe in what they are hearing. I used to be a classic example of this. I had let stupid people in my life convince me that I wasn't worth the time of day, and eventually my self image was so crummy that I looked in the mirror and all I saw was UGLY. So, when people would tell me I was beautiful or lovely, I would figure they either had a hidden agenda or were trying to make me feel better. It actually made me wildly uncomfortable to be complimented because I just couldn't accept them graciously.
-Some women love "fishing" for compliments. They will pretend to be a little bit insecure or doubtful of their good looks, or whatever, so they get more reassurance that they are beautiful.
-A lot of women are trained from the days of high school that if you accept a compliment, that means you are stuck-up or conceited. I'm not sure why some people think that it is wrong to feel good about yourself, or to be confident and proud of yourself. One of the things I have learned is that I AM beautiful, inside and out, and I'm not ashamed to say so! I'm proud of the woman I've become, and there is no reason for me to give myself less credit than I deserve. I want all of the other women out there to feel the same way.
Firefly-- I know what you mean about the incessant compliments on superficial attributes. I know that I for one always appreciate the compliments on my accomplishments much more than the compliments on, say, my eyes.
Heather Heather, you are right on the money. I can remember vividly every mean thing that was ever said to me, but have dismissed every positive compliment. I was brought up being reminded constantly of my failings but never my accomplishments. I was always too fat, too tall, or called four eyes because of my glasses. I was told I was too ugly and no one would ever love me.
My mother also believed that to acknowledge anything positive meant you were conceited. She made sure she never offered anything but criticism. It took me years to realize that she was only practicing the only mothering she had ever known.
When I got older and outgrew my awkwardness, the awkwardness remained in my heart. I could never believe anything positive..clearly they were lying or had a hidden agenda. It has taken years but I am getting better. I still shy away from compliments but now know when they are sincere and given to me by people who love me. I don't regret my past because I know that it helped shape me into the person I am today.
Seeinthereality, go easy on your girlfriend. Some wounds take a long time to heal, but with your constant love and support, she will know you are sincere.
Lady Jayne Wow, Heather and Lady Jayne! I am you and you are me. 69 years old and still hanging on to all the negatives from my mother. Why is it so hard to get rid of those old messages? One of my mother's favorite expressions was "SPS" (self-praise stinks). Actually, that expression stinks.
cbel i don't know;
women can't take a compliment
and men can't take a punch
the mystery of the ages.
the face that launched a thousand ships, (run that one by me again?)
frankly it's above my paygrade
Greyhawk Here's an idea......
If somebody pays you a compliment say, "thanks" and move on with your life. Simple enough!
Why do women have to read into everything so much? No wonder men think all women are nuts....sheesh! Pay me a compliment, don't pay me a compliment it's all good. I really couldn't care less. I will still wake up tomorrow morning (well most likely....LOL) and move on.
Calico696 If only it was that simple but for some people it goes deeper than that Calico.
My experiences are not the same as Heather, Lady Jayne and cbel or even yours but I did grow up with the saying "pretty is as pretty does". More emphasis was placed on actions rather than looks.
Having said that - when I take the time to look my best it is certainly nice to hear it.
cbel and Lady Jayne - It's amazing how much our mothers influence our self-image.
Lady Jayne - based on what you've told me before, we have a lot more in common than you think. You should definitely know that you're wonderful, and I think everyone who comes in contact with you every day sees it.
Calico - That is more of my attitude lately, and I definitely see where you're coming from... It just took me a long time to get there. But of course I LOVE it when someone decides it's worth the effort to let me know that they admire something about me.
Firefly - You definitely are beautiful, without a doubt, and you've been so super kind to me-- So you're pretty inside and out :)
Everyone is different in regards to how sensitive they are - it's part of your personality. I think the only way to "not care" if you are programmed to care is to harden yourself and that's not a great alternative either. The ones that are sensitive about themself are usually the ones that are the most caring towards others too.
Firefly. that is so true..There is no one in this world more sensitive than I am. I get my feelings hurt so easily while other people just shrug it off. I like to think that I am a caring person as well so your theory holds very true...those that are sensitive about themselves are the ones that are the most caring towards others because they know how words can really hurt if not said in the proper way.
Firefly and joyful - Ever since I was little, people told me to toughen up, to stop being so sensitive, and to quit caring so much. I just tell them that my sensitivity is part of what makes me who I am, and I love it because I care SO much about others, too. My friends always tell me I have an extreme amount of empathy, and I don't think that's a bad thing. I just have lots and lots of feelings, about everything. :-P I think as long as a person doesn't turn into a doormat and let people walk all over her, being especially sensitive is not only alright, but also kind of a gift.
Heather - thanks for the earlier remarks....
You said it the best- Look at the opposite of being sensitve - that describes a lot of people on this forum. We need more cbels, joyful and Heather's and less of well.....insert name.
Hm this all sounds familiar. For me. I was fat and picked on for it for so long. Even people I don't know looked at me differnetly. But now that Im not, and I look good now, I don't know how to be that good looking confident guy.
As far as my gf, when I tell her she's beautiful or compliment her, it's always heartfelt and full of truth. There is not a moment that she is not beautiful to me. Even when she thinks she looks her worst, Sweat pants, a tee shirt, and no make-up, I think she looks gorgeous. When she takes her contacts out and puts her glasses on, she looks adorable. Whenever she does something that is one of the many reasons I love her, I am sure to let her know. If its something she does or says while she's at work, I'll text her something like ..... thats one of the 432980435875786425740825345784630563407867812602640586487564786 reasons I love you. Whenever Im out and I see something small that just brings her beautiful face into mind, I get it for her. For example last night I was at the pharmacy getting my meds and there was a little basket on the counter with one bag of gummy bears in it. She absolutely loves gummy bears. So just because I knew it would put a huge smile on her face, I bought them. And I was right. It did. And there is nothing more I love than to see her happy.
However on the other side of this I am very honest. And that is why she loves taking me shopping with her. She knows that if something does't look right on her, which very rarely happens, I will give her my honest opinion. Putting aside my personal opinions sometimes and thinking more about whether it looks good for the office or not.
I definitely see everyones points here. And I totally agree that things should not be said just because. You should always mean it. The one thing though that is very important to me to say by routine (again only if you mean it, but same time every day) is to say I love you when you leave each other in the morning and before you go to sleep. And the reason I feel this way is because you never know what can happen. And when will be the last time you'll ever get to say that.
seein - Are there anymore out there like you? What an awesome boyfriend you are. So glad you have found your joy!
Seein - I'm with FF. You've got the right approach and it's heartfelt. I had a beau once that would always pick me up Mon Cherie chocolates because he knew I loved them. To this day, everytime I see a Mon Cherie I think of him. Keep up the good work.
Love is . . . being open.
happy2bhere wow, seeinthereality, what is wrong with your girlfriend!? Never taking compliments!
Firefly is right, what an awesome boyfriend you are!
DayTripper STR, you're so sweet -- and don't stop complimenting her, or she'll start to worry, lol! 8)
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